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Friday, April 23, 2010 12:04 AM

No pictures.? I haven't figured out how to bluetooth stuffs into his laptop. A total windows noob. So far, I had been occupied with work and perdana trainings at nights. I get tired easily and need to stuff myself with vitamin c because I'm already coughing. Got it from people around me I guess.

I had been meaning to lash out my thoughts because that's the only way for me to do my own reflection. But reality check, I had no privacy before. It's ok. I still have my friends to rant to but I had recently learnt that girls talk could leak out. I was also scared of giving such information that could change the perception of another. What I'm trying to say here is that, I'm scared and I very much could crumble at any time.

I put on a facade. To be seen as strong, tough, superior, a great personality but nobody knows my real flaw except for one person. Still, I could not accept the fact that that one person could point it out to me as if he could read me like a book. Even I am still getting to know my own habits. Behind all the qualities I never imagined I could have, I am actually a coward. So timid that I had to be ignorant. I am so stubborn that even if I know that I am at fault, I would still find something to defend myself.

I could be a coward right there again, ignore and leave. That's what I do best. Karma is such a bitch. I hate that whatever I had done before came back. Still, I had to accept what's best for me. The words are still stuck in my head. "Perempuan kalau dah terluka akan ingat sampai bila-bila," Mama said. I hate it when she's right. Then again, why stay.?

Oh, I have my answer. I know why I still haven't left him. Not because of family, not because of love (do i even know what's that.?), not because of embarrassment, not because of anything but my own choice. I stayed because I chose to stay. I chose someone who could tell me right in the face, dare to say what were my fucking mistakes even though it hurts a lot.! I need a smack right there because I hadn't realized it but I also didn't expect anyone to be daring enough to say those words. I saluted him but at the same time, I loathe him for making me reflect. I hate doing reflections.!

Someone asked me for an advice before. If you cry a lot, does that mean that something is wrong.? I answered her on MSN, "Everyone has the right to cry. You'll only know if it doesn't work out if you are just too tired to fix everything together. You can solve a problem, but are you willing to do it.? If you are, it means, there's nothing wrong with it." & then I'm just going to say that to myself now.

Nobody can help me find an answer because only I am the one going through it. Anyone could give suggestions but only I know what is right for myself. I am more cautious of my words now and I am trying my best. I won't say something just to sound that I am capable of doing things and then hurt somebody else.

Reflection done. I am sad now. Scared actually. Listening to 'Try' doesn't help but the lyrics made an impact. 'Cause we're asking one another to change. Maybe I'm not ready but I am trying for your love'.

I need help.! A little assurance will do. I'm tired of breaking down again. Stress.!

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