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Sunday, January 17, 2010 10:10 AM

I read back a couple of posts I typed and realized that it's all about school. I even put in black and white that I AM prioritizing school for now. Gosh.! I was probably selfish, was I? I thought of juggling things and doing it right but like what Dayah said, "Nak buat apa? Important sey! Sekolah seh! You have to do what you have to do. Faham je lah." I couldn't remember the exact words but that incident which I refused to disclose here made me reflect on the current situation of my life.

I tried to. I did my best to juggle everything. Even my family got fed up with me because I only see them a maximum of thrice per week, that too at 11pm and then my dad had to send me back to school at midnight. My brother had to sms me to come home soon because he missed me and he needed to rant stuffs with me. He recently got into ITE Simei and I had freaking no clue how he looked like in his uniform. My mother had to call me and I had to put down the phone because I was in the middle of something. The only time I had actually called her was to ask how to cook spaghetti for two (I mean the portion). Just two days ago, Papa had to VIDEO call me while I was on school shoot because he was just plain angry that I was still on shoot at 12 midnight. That too at a filthy and dark warehouse with all the stray dogs and foreign workers. Shit! There's too much guilt and regret in me that all I did was cry and cry and cry. Fuck lah! Stop crying!

I am attached although it does not seem like it because I see him a lot less now. I blamed and pointed my index finger at him for not having time for me but all the other four fingers pointed back at me without me realizing it. So I wanted him to understand me and my stupid schedule. I was hurt when he let me down by not meeting me whenever I was free but I never realized that I was hurting him too. How could I not know that he had to put up with my hectic schedule and claimed that everything was perfectly fine with him? I wanted somebody to understand me and be immune to my life but it hurts me inside when last night, I just got to know that his patience was deteriorating. If I felt like shit whenever he had to bail me, how else could he had felt when I had to go for shoots and school every single day including weekends? I never thought of that because obviously, I had been prioritizing every other things to achieve something in life except for family, friends and boyfriend. I wanted a bright future and all I had been doing was push everyone away. No wonder they say, a rich man, a career man, is a lonely man.

No matter how many bitch fits I threw, how many drops of tears I shed, how many fights we had, how many compromises I thought I did, everything would just be the same. I still have to go to school 24/7, I still have my shoots, I still have my assignments and I have no freaking idea how to make time for the people I love in my calender. I tried to juggle, I reminded myself that everything was just fine and it's all going to be over soon but it's killing me slowly and at this point of time, I really couldn't take it anymore. I thank God for my fever right now because all I wanted to do was to stay home in my bed and sleep. Then again, I got up on my feet and showed pimply bare face at school.

& please, stop pressurizing me about driver's license. I would still be alive without it. If I have fucking no free time because I am always on my two feet doing things I hoped I would get a bloody good grade later, how to squeeze in a few hours per week on license? Adults told me that single life was the most amazing thing ever but why did they got married and kept complaining about their spouse? Why people fall in love if we all knew that it's going to hurt at some point of time? Life is too short to make things right. I should stop crying and tell myself that I have to be selfish when it comes to my life. It's always been about me, me and me. Then again, it wouldn't hurt if I at least sacrifice something for others. I am done hurting other people in the process of getting my way. Stop hurting others. Should that be my new resolution?

Some might just look at me and give me the middle finger and then I would see their eyes rolling because to them it's a small matter. I just have to do what I have to do. Prioritize the right things, plan my time wisely but if I give them my iCal calender, I doubt they would find me a solution to my problem. This burden just has to pass and it will all be over.

I pray every night to make me stronger and now I am praying to Him to make us stronger. If it meant to be then it's meant to be.

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